We are fast approaching the year mark from the date of Miss E's diagnosis. From the first moment I knew her life was entirely out of my hands. I've done my best to walk along side her, to comfort her, to assess her constantly and get her help when she needs it. But there is always that desire to do more. And yet, most of the time it feels like my hands are tied. I can't simply eliminate bad foods from her diet or from something she is allergic to. She needs help that is so big and complicated I don't even understand most of it. That's a hard place for a parent. You want to be the one to fix everything, to make everything ok, to protect and shelter your child from any and everything that could harm them. And in this circumstance I really can not. I must place her firmly in Gods hands and pray that he would let us keep her just a little longer. I know in my head that that is really the case with both of my children. They are His, not mine. They are only mine to care for for a little while. Living with a child with cancer really makes you face the reality of that.
A little over a week ago I became obsessed with knitting her a pair of socks for her to wear to her procedures last week. Procedure day isn't fun. Miss E hates being sedated and I hate to watch. There is something so utterly unnatural about it... it just goes against the grain of my being. Unfortunately it's a regular part of her treatment. So much so that I have lost count of the number of times we've been in that room. At a certain point I realized I'd sort of crossed the lines of sanity with the sock obsession. It doesn't take long to knit her a pair of socks, she has tiny feet. But my desire to have them done before procedure day was a little too fiery. I then realized that something inside of me felt like if I could do this, it would make us both feel better. That somehow having these socks on her feet would make me feel like I was able to do something to make her feel more at ease. And she adores her 'mommy socks'. She's always gotten cold but now is much more likely to do so. I think she loves her 'mommy socks' because they're all made of wool and keep her chilly feet warm. (Miss N on the other hand... strips off all her clothes any chance she gets. She is seriously hot blooded!) So knit away I did... and when I mentioned my crazy thinking that somehow these socks would make procedure day better for both of us my husband said "It will.". God bless him. He gets it.
I've finished up several other knits... much more interesting knitting-wise, but less attached to my heart... lace ribbon scarf for me, handspun baby sweater with some of my very earliest yarn, more socks for E, and another Nancy Bush pattern - this time for Hub. Miss N's blanket is also done... just two more days until I can give it to her! That project and it's recipient deserve their own post.
